Snap.

Now.Stop. Look. Stare. See Yourself ? Like it ? Decide!.. Move Forward.. Reach. Its Yours. I Know.. Its Mine. Reach.

Paharganj

"Nalini" -- Yes I'm going to hunt this bitch down , stuff a Mankind like Mr Sucko in her throat and throw her down from the roof top and then laugh to my heart's desire , for dear Nalini , even though I have never met/seen/spoken to her has had very interesting conversations about my life and managed to screw my equation up with a friend, Natasha.I have been blaming my ex Kavya , for this shit for two years now . She on the other hand , never reasoned , fuck that.

I ran for 10 kms today . Quitting Smoking is showing its effects , the only weird bit is that I'm tired at the end of the day and can't keep up beyond mid night and I *have* to get 7 hours of sleep otherwise I feel weird.

I have competition on the track , even though there's been nothing said and done between Mr Soccer Player and me , its the stamina we both possess , I am hell bent on out running him everytime , I did so yesterday , its kind of lame yes I know , actually very lame. But you need reasons to run , otherwise it can get as boring as work , if you keep running every damn day on that track without a target , you might not return for a month , the day you burn out.

I'm sick of passive smoking , I've yelled at 3-4 people already who are smoking where they *should not* be smoking. There's one man who smokes on the track , short of breath and sweating hard , I was the rudest I have ever been to anyone , but really I do not need cigarette smoke tingling my nostrils when I'm struggling to breathe . He deserved it.

I'm going to Paharganj today , Its a junkie's hangout , you have hippies from all over the world , and yeah everything is up on sale from manali to gokarna , from awesome delicious korean food to amazing clothes , but I'm not going after the drugs , the bongs or the chillams , I'm looking forward to the junk I can pick up for myself. Besides I've been in South delhi for over a year now , and even though I know West and will continue to know each and every lane there even if I don't go there for years , I've kind of forgotten my junkie days here at Central Delhi ,  and thats where I'm heading. Now in 44 degrees and I know exactly where to chill if it gets too hot , Sam's Cafe. 

I remember the good old days with Anu , well she kept at it , and now finds herself in a rehab . All of us didn't turn out to be like that . There was a time I had the biggest crush on her and thought she was really pretty , She was and she had her way , no one would ever argue with Anu and it was her who introduced me to the world of drugs and pills and acid and ecstasy , Anu I can never forget , the wasted days at Sam's cafe and the inner lanes of Ramakrishna Ashram Marg. She had the balls to carry a chillam and then place the bag in a metro baggage scanner , thats what Anu was made of . She didn't give a fuck about the world and we all had our little crushes on her. I've decided to pick up something for her today , which I'm going to gift her whenever we meet next. If we do. I hope she comes out alive and sane from wherever she is . 

So I ran 10 kms , beat that bitch. With one break to hydrate myself , you can't run 10 straight these days , No sir . the weather is unforgiving . I have an additional reason not to ever Smoke again , its more than a week and I will stick to it . 

I'm off to Paharganj , Karol Bagh and C.P now , hope I come back with shit loads of junk and cheap electronics :D

Quit Smoking Update.

I had the most intense smoke craving ever . I survived it . I knew it  I could either throw away all my effort and my promise to someone or I could escape this and be proud of myself . I made myself proud.

I came back and I ran tonight . Even though my joints are getting used to it , my lungs are getting clearer. With every cough I know , the tar is being removed . I could run much much better and faster without much effort. I'm going to stick to it this time. I know I will. Mumbai/Delhi marathons , I'm coming :)

Meet Tej Singh

• Name : Tej Singh
• Age : 50
• Work Experience : 30 years in this Hotel Chain :|
• Interests : Lalua ( Lalu Prasad Yadav)
• Hometown : Iti , Uttar Pradesh
• Qualification : School Dropout
• Designation : Helper

I thought I should start blogging about people . I would have been rather obvious had I blogged about someone I *love* , so well I thought of starting with someone I admire .

You are forgiven if you think I'm weird for blogging about a helper. But really , qualification does not make a man . Men made qualification , later put it as a yardstick to measure the so called value of men . Unfortunately , the yardstick started measuring how we behaved with people based on their education or designation . What makes him not important ? I see Nothing. What about you ?

" So you like talking to him ? "

" Yes , why ? "

" its just strange he's a helper you know "

"I'm sorry but he's more real than anyone in this office. "

Meet Tej Singh. His fragile lean structure gives it away , he's a man who works hard for a living . He's not paid well , not like he complains about it . He can make the strongest coffee for you ever and is an expert at making the yummiest of all cold coffees and is quite funny .

He thinks the " Haraami Bhraman" is responsible for half of the shit happening in this country , he loves every speech "Lalua " gives and beat this , he has his plans for 2012 . He watches India T.V unfortunately.

Ask him "Mam sakh-at hai ? " and he looks up immediately " Hona parega , Headmaster jaisi he , warna aap log kaam nahi karoge" . He smiles often, reports at work two hours prior to his time , he believes duty comes before his own kids and well he's quite dedicated to it.

They ask me though at work , Why I bond with him so much ? And well I don't have an answer , I gave one today though . He's real. Unlike them he's not hiding behind a mask. He's not trying to show anyone down nor does he have an agenda . He's not insecure about where he stands . He's not trying to be a mirror image of what he ought to be like so many of them . They lost themselves in competition , he was never in the race in the first place . He does not seek approval for he knows what he does is more than what is expected of him and yet unlike them he does want recognition in his small capacity , although he offers a smile so real , it makes you want to talk to him.

They consider it below their so called dignity to be interacting with him . But I'd feel sorry for the man , if they really do start talking to him . I think he'd be sane without the insanity that they crack on his innocent head . I'm sure though he's had his share and yet he hasn't changed or so his partner claims , who on the other hand gets credit for all the work Tej Singh does , why ? cause he's educated. The partner got promoted recently . For what really ? Maybe smoking 30 cigarettes during working hours which leaves pretty much everything on Tej Singh , who *still* has no complains.

He does rant though . "Amreeka Harami desh hai , yeh sala India aur Pakistan ki ladai karata hai , China bharamano ka saath deta hai "  the logic and reasoning I don't care about . It makes me laugh out , yeah thats as simple as I'd want it to be .

He likes the newspapers , he loves browsing through them , he can't read but he tries to figure out whats with the world through pictures and he never does ask what's in the news . He's content . Happy in his own world.

He does smile though when I get yelled at by " the boss" , he gives me a you got pwned look as he brings out my coffee , it makes me smile and forget about the mind-fucking session for a bit . Yes he's real , He has nothing to say and no advice waiting and no sympathy , he just smiles.


In a nutshell , If there's one human being left in the office , its probably him . And even though I might be considered strange for interacting with him , atleast the system is not so embedded in my head that I forget about .. people.

And even though he might be cursed , might miss out on a promotion , may get yelled at without reason he manages to *Smile* .. The system did not absorb him , and I'm glad it did not .

Shout.

Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without
Come on, I'm talking to you, come on
Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without

In violent times, you shouldn't have to sell your soul
In black and white, they really really ought to know
Those one track minds that took you for a working boy
Kiss them goodbye, you shouldn't have to jump for joy
You shouldn't have to
Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without
Come on, I'm talking to you, come on

They gave you life, and in return you gave them hell
As cold as ice, I hope we live to tell the tale
I hope we live to tell the tale

let it all out, these are the things I can do without
Come on, I'm talking to you, come on
Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without
Come on, I'm talking to you, come on

And when you've taken down your guard
If I could change your mind, I'd really love to break your heart
I'd really love to break your heart

Shout, shout, let it all out
(Break your heart) these are the things I can do without
(I'd really love to break your heart) come on
I'm talking to you, come on


My eyes open, I looked around the room. My head hurt a little bit and the UPS light beamed in the dark. It was still dark outside and as I reached out for the bottle of water placed nicely under the bed , I noticed my running shoes . There they were , I had not seen or noticed them for a long time now and even though I was hung over , the only thought in my mind was to wear them. Now.

I pushed the pillow out of my way , got changed and I was in my running gear within the next 2 minutes. I did not want to brush my teeth as gross as it sounds , nor did I think even once about washing my face. I sipped on water , put on my i-pod and went down to the track.

I put my I-pod on shuffle , while I was at it , I noticed the time it was 5.10 am , I wondered if I'd be the only one running now. It was not going to be akward , No but it was going to be liberating I could not wait to own the track and as I completed the initial round walking I noticed nothing but a cat crossing by . Yes Indeed I had it to myself , the whole track , I could run wild now . The weather was humid , not the kind you expect early morning but that wasn't really an issue for all I wanted to do was run.

Running helps me be , beats sense in my head its when I don't think about anything. Its a break from the thinking process and it releases endomorphins , the same chemicals which are released when you smoke a cigarette.

While I was marking my spot *sounds technical, doesn't it, well its just a starting point , from where I measure the distance I cover* the above mentioned track played , and that was it , a good enough reason to give this run all that I had.

I started slow my lungs overdosed with cigarette smoke refused to let my legs push me further , I coughed out loud within the next 500 metres. I had abused my body for days now and it showed , the bad taste of cigarette smoke and tar filled my mouth. I could not think of ignoring it any longer now , I came to a halt.

I walked towards my car , grabbed my sipper, its where I usually hide it , its been whacked a thousand times before , gulped down half of the contents and I knew this was hard if not impossible and I should now think of sleeping for the next 2 hours and not act silly. I walked through the building pathway to the elevator . The elevator not being used at all , was waiting at the ground floor . I entered , the doors shut and opened just as quick , I had changed my mind. I wasn't going to let this affect me. "If its tough , then its tough but its what you want isn't it ? So fucking go ahead and run like a mad man ". I had now gone beyond sanity I was talking to my own self .

Honestly , I think I had gone into a mode of self pity the previous night and I wanted to make amends for it , not to the people I spoke to , met and ignored but to my own self. How could I ever feel sorry for my own self ? How could I think Alcohol and Manali would rescue me ? Why was I standing all alone in the smoking room , looking at nothing and thinking about my life and how fucked up it was . I was sick of myself and felt nothing but anger and I *had* to do something about it.

I went to the track , ran as hard as I could to the extent to spraining my calf , I had pushed myself to the extreme and even though I almost crawled from the imaginary finish point of 6 kms to the bench nearby , I was smiling . I had thought about nothing but I had things figured out already , its amazing how without even considering any of situations I was facing , I had solutions for everything , waiting to be executed.

I laughed in pain as I streched , my muscles had been put through one of the fastest sessions ever in the past few months and it made me proud of myself. For its a small thing and really doesn't change anything , it did a lot for my mind , I finally am in peace.

First and foremost , I have 6 cigarettes left with me as of now and these are my last. I might be a bitch to the world and have a series of hate posts but I want to quit. Its one of the reasons why I haven't run cause I was afraid of what the truth was , My stamina had died. its 16.50 hours and I guess at about 19.45 hours , I should finish my association with nicotine. I have no regrets , Nor do I think im going to miss them , Infact I think im going to hate them .

Secondly , I have a problem with people who over-promise with regard to anything. I think I am a fool when it comes to trusting people , its because I take things at face value . What I don't know is that interest is a highly underused word and pretty much everything is based on that. I had a shelf life for certain people and its probably running out and frankly I am indifferent to it now, and there's noone specific I'm thinking about here , I'm talking to everyone who's associated to me in any sort of way , who knows me beyond the virtual world.
Most of you have let me down , but I don't blame any of you, I was dumb enough to assume that you folks meant every word that you said. It was stupid and even though you might think I'm being Naive and a little stupid but yes , Indifferent is the key word here. I am not going out of my way for anyone now. I'm not being cold but I get nothing in return . I'm pretty much sick of 'always being there' and I can't do this anymore . The Convienence approach belted out by a few of you does not deserve my attention and so it shall be . You want something ? Make it mutual.

And Finally , I'm sick of the system. The way things are supposed to be done , the process , the lines of communication , the command chain , the attitude of the boss , the location of the office , the policies of the organization , the procedures in relation to work. What you study and where from and where do you work and how you should do your work . Why are there so many fucking standards ? Why do we *have* to follow golden rule and why do we need commands ? Why can't someone think for their own selves and reach decisions. Why can't they choose to do what they want to do and why do we stereotype everything ? Why do we need classifications for every darn thing ?

Why hire people for who/what they are , when you want to mould them into something that they are not ? Why do we narrow down thinking to a straight line and don't want to expand our minds ? Why are we stuck in an era where noone looks beyond these standards and set stereotypes as their ultimate goal. Why do we *need* to love , something we don't.

Why can't we be ourselves ? Why can't we think for ourselves ? Why do we need to limit our thoughts to a few options ? Why do we need to crib and cry for the rest of our lives about something we should/could have done , Why is it too late ? Why is it never the right time ? Why do we need chain ourselves to society and its fucked up ethos which don't really make sense ? .. I can't understand the world , What I do understand though is my own mind . So I think I'd go for something that I can relate to , My own self.

Found.

She looked into his eyes , like she used to. There were no hidden agendas nor did she intend to make him feel uncomfortable , she just gave a look , a familiar one. The kind of look which is of approval of an opinion. It was harmless conversation , she intended no wrong.

He had a speck of sweat on his forehead, He was disturbed by that look. He took his eyes off her and focussed on the table instead, as if trying to act distracted he picked up her coffee mug for a sip to calm himself down but his hands could not grip the cup. He just about managed to place it back on the table. Instead now he played around with his phone. She knew him as a person , she knew something had gone wrong.

He was a till a year back . Outspoken , loud and very confident and sure of himself. Confident he still was , but something was not right. He could not make conversation anymore looking her in the eye , so he thought he might talk to her best friend instead , what if this was just happening because of the oddness that existed between the two.

He spoke to her in his usual playful tone , things were fine until eye contact was established. There. They spotted him uncomfortable , but placing a fake pretence he invited them for a smoke outside . Hopefully he won't have to look them in the eye anymore.

Now at a safe spot, where all he had in view was the chaotic traffic ahead and a sign which read Coffee Bean, he resumed the conversation . He told her of his life , there was a lot she did not know. He spoke about how he was not fond of his job anymore and thought moving on to more exciting yet unexplored avenues was a risk he was willing to take. She seemed excited by his decision and in a reflex wanted to hug him , he knew she did that to people she had respect for . But he gave her a half hearted hug.

Yes , he was so over her and there was nothing really to fix between them . They had both moved on with their lives and had their worries safely concealed under smiles, but for once he was in the odd spot. He was vulnerable , while she hid her emotions beneath a fringe and a smile plastered around her face , which showed no reflexes , it was a put on but she could carry it off and easily confuse anyone into believing her life was something she could deal with utmost ease.

He on the other hand , was careful. So careful he was denying every emotion he felt to his own self. He had a disappointing week, but he was least bothered by that he knew and was sure life had a greater scheme of things planned out for him.

He was out of the 'hug' before you could spell the word out and so he realized he was making things odd between the two , not because they were odd due to complexities , they held nothing against each other that could create differences but it was the new him that he did not recognise , whom he recently discovered about a week back. He just wasn't the same person he used to be.

He bid the girls goodbye , Returned to Coffee bean to sip on another cuppa and read The Fountainhead. He played out the entire conversation in his head and realized it wasn't his confidence or personal problems that led to the way the conversation played out but the lack of awareness of himself.

He had declared himself a 'People's person' a thousand times before , gone and performed on stage without ever possessing a script and could convince any man that he possessed a tail. He was as they called back in college " the communicator"

He however failed to recognise that college got over more than a year ago and things had changed. He was still sure of himself and what path he wanted to take to make life easier . Though he ignored all this while , that he had become his own person , he found his comfort zone in his own self and from an extreme extrovert had slowly transformed into a introvert.

He walked out of Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf , content and happy. He discovered himself again , and well he did not seem to find it odd anymore . More than anything he felt relief , for now he knew what he had grown into. Now when he looks back at the past few hours he knows where he's coming from and that to him is the most important thing ever.

It's Probably Me.

He smiled , looked at this father who in turn pressed the clutch. He laughed, he reached out and held the glass. The sheer joy on his face, made me stare in admiration. Here was a toddler, oblivious to the world . Happy.

Today I walked 20 minutes to Costa. While leaving my house I knew the phone was not an option. I'm glad it is not. Its the kind of freedom I have never experienced. I walked by an empty road looking at the moon. It is a full moon night tonight and I can't believe I have ignored something so beautiful for so long.

I stepped into a coffee shop and opened The Fountainhead, before I knew I was the only one sitting there and the staff probably wanted me to leave or so was the look on their faces , smiling but worried . I had not looked beyond the book since the time I ordered my coffee. They finally seem relieved that they got my attention. I was ignorant of the world today , I was in my own time zone and nothing seemed to bothered me.

I have lived on time guided activities all my life. Everything had a scheduled slot through my day and I panicked if I did not follow these , cause I thought I was going against the process.I had standards set for my own self which restricted my life in every possible way.

Today I walked 6 kms , never looked at my watch even once. Noticed that there was life at every step I took and even though I got stared at for my free style of walking and loud singing I did not bother much about it.

I am going to do what I feel like doing ,what makes me happy without caring about whether I'm supposed to do it or not. I want to look into that mirror and smile.

I Don't ever want to look back and wonder "what if" . All the "what if's" in my life have to be materialized and now. Im not waiting.

I can hear each and every beat. I can hear it so clear.

I'd like to Understand.

"But all the proper forms of expression have been discovered long ago"
"Expression - of what ? The Parthenon did not serve the same purpose as its wooden ancestor. An airline terminal does not serve the same purpose as the parthenon.Every form has its own meaning. Every man creates his meaning and form and goal. Why is it so important-what others have done? Why does it become sacred by the mere fact that of not being your own? Why is it anyone and everyone is right- so long as it's not yourself? Why does the number of those others take the place of the truth? Why is truth made a mere matter of arithmetic-and only a addition at that? Why is everything twisted out of all sense to fit everything else? there must be some reason. I don't know. I've never known it. I'd like to understand"

Twitter.

The guitar riffs play loud I adjust my speakers again and get back to staring at my laptop screen. So here I am with my toes constantly tapping against a badly beaten wooden ledge that connects two parts of my table. An empty coffee cup lies on my left right next to a glass of water which is half filled. On my right there is a pack of Marlboro Gold Advance kept right in front of my wallet with the lighter placed on it .

The door to my room is locked , like it has been for the past 2 years. This is my zone and time is a no issue here nothing ever is more important than this. With the I-pod plugged in my ears . I feel a touch of emptiness , a void in my head. Its the same as nicotine withdrawal in a way that it plays with the mind just like the lack of nicotine does.

I stare at my wall and I notice 3 notes. I haven't noticed them for a while now. They were messages of love and farewell given to me by my closest friends when we graduated. I have missed a lot of small things. I'm discovering them piece by piece starting today.

Today I Quit Twitter. With over 50.5 tweets per day and that includes the first two months of indifference because of a lack of understanding of how it worked. You can say I'm a tweet-addict . I published my every move from the traffic woes of Delhi to the contents of my laptop I have bared my soul on twitter and I Haven't been careful about what I tweeted when.

And as of now , I feel tired. I don't want to be in a constant mode of revealing my self to the world. I want to take control of my life from here . My life has to change in so many ways and believe it or not but twitter is being a hindrance.

I spend most of my time staring at my phone . While at work or when in my room chilling on my own or in a party somewhere. I am in constant mode of 'revealing' my thoughts and opinions and today and more importantly now its curtain call.

If you have known me for a month and have read my tweets for just half an hour a day , beat this you know me better than my close friends do and that is scary.

Twitter has changed my outlook towards life , most certainly. I have grown and accepted more than I thought I ever could. My opinion on the LGBT community being the most significant gain among all the things I take away from Micro Blogging.

I'm going and probably it won't make a difference to anyone firstly because you guys have many followers and then out of sight out of mind holds true right ?

'Venting' is a very integral part of my life . All the piss heads around me made me tweet and now they shall make me blog . While I might be away from communicating. I'm not giving up on venting yet. On a boring sunday evening , come back to this page and hopefully you *will* know what I'm upto . I intend to write everyday or well as much as I can.

Life has just begun and I can't wait to do what *I* want with it. So right about now I'm going to start with 'The Fountainhead' . Right about now , I will do what *I* think is right . Right about now all I'm going to think about is my own self.