Shout.

Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without
Come on, I'm talking to you, come on
Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without

In violent times, you shouldn't have to sell your soul
In black and white, they really really ought to know
Those one track minds that took you for a working boy
Kiss them goodbye, you shouldn't have to jump for joy
You shouldn't have to
Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without
Come on, I'm talking to you, come on

They gave you life, and in return you gave them hell
As cold as ice, I hope we live to tell the tale
I hope we live to tell the tale

let it all out, these are the things I can do without
Come on, I'm talking to you, come on
Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without
Come on, I'm talking to you, come on

And when you've taken down your guard
If I could change your mind, I'd really love to break your heart
I'd really love to break your heart

Shout, shout, let it all out
(Break your heart) these are the things I can do without
(I'd really love to break your heart) come on
I'm talking to you, come on


My eyes open, I looked around the room. My head hurt a little bit and the UPS light beamed in the dark. It was still dark outside and as I reached out for the bottle of water placed nicely under the bed , I noticed my running shoes . There they were , I had not seen or noticed them for a long time now and even though I was hung over , the only thought in my mind was to wear them. Now.

I pushed the pillow out of my way , got changed and I was in my running gear within the next 2 minutes. I did not want to brush my teeth as gross as it sounds , nor did I think even once about washing my face. I sipped on water , put on my i-pod and went down to the track.

I put my I-pod on shuffle , while I was at it , I noticed the time it was 5.10 am , I wondered if I'd be the only one running now. It was not going to be akward , No but it was going to be liberating I could not wait to own the track and as I completed the initial round walking I noticed nothing but a cat crossing by . Yes Indeed I had it to myself , the whole track , I could run wild now . The weather was humid , not the kind you expect early morning but that wasn't really an issue for all I wanted to do was run.

Running helps me be , beats sense in my head its when I don't think about anything. Its a break from the thinking process and it releases endomorphins , the same chemicals which are released when you smoke a cigarette.

While I was marking my spot *sounds technical, doesn't it, well its just a starting point , from where I measure the distance I cover* the above mentioned track played , and that was it , a good enough reason to give this run all that I had.

I started slow my lungs overdosed with cigarette smoke refused to let my legs push me further , I coughed out loud within the next 500 metres. I had abused my body for days now and it showed , the bad taste of cigarette smoke and tar filled my mouth. I could not think of ignoring it any longer now , I came to a halt.

I walked towards my car , grabbed my sipper, its where I usually hide it , its been whacked a thousand times before , gulped down half of the contents and I knew this was hard if not impossible and I should now think of sleeping for the next 2 hours and not act silly. I walked through the building pathway to the elevator . The elevator not being used at all , was waiting at the ground floor . I entered , the doors shut and opened just as quick , I had changed my mind. I wasn't going to let this affect me. "If its tough , then its tough but its what you want isn't it ? So fucking go ahead and run like a mad man ". I had now gone beyond sanity I was talking to my own self .

Honestly , I think I had gone into a mode of self pity the previous night and I wanted to make amends for it , not to the people I spoke to , met and ignored but to my own self. How could I ever feel sorry for my own self ? How could I think Alcohol and Manali would rescue me ? Why was I standing all alone in the smoking room , looking at nothing and thinking about my life and how fucked up it was . I was sick of myself and felt nothing but anger and I *had* to do something about it.

I went to the track , ran as hard as I could to the extent to spraining my calf , I had pushed myself to the extreme and even though I almost crawled from the imaginary finish point of 6 kms to the bench nearby , I was smiling . I had thought about nothing but I had things figured out already , its amazing how without even considering any of situations I was facing , I had solutions for everything , waiting to be executed.

I laughed in pain as I streched , my muscles had been put through one of the fastest sessions ever in the past few months and it made me proud of myself. For its a small thing and really doesn't change anything , it did a lot for my mind , I finally am in peace.

First and foremost , I have 6 cigarettes left with me as of now and these are my last. I might be a bitch to the world and have a series of hate posts but I want to quit. Its one of the reasons why I haven't run cause I was afraid of what the truth was , My stamina had died. its 16.50 hours and I guess at about 19.45 hours , I should finish my association with nicotine. I have no regrets , Nor do I think im going to miss them , Infact I think im going to hate them .

Secondly , I have a problem with people who over-promise with regard to anything. I think I am a fool when it comes to trusting people , its because I take things at face value . What I don't know is that interest is a highly underused word and pretty much everything is based on that. I had a shelf life for certain people and its probably running out and frankly I am indifferent to it now, and there's noone specific I'm thinking about here , I'm talking to everyone who's associated to me in any sort of way , who knows me beyond the virtual world.
Most of you have let me down , but I don't blame any of you, I was dumb enough to assume that you folks meant every word that you said. It was stupid and even though you might think I'm being Naive and a little stupid but yes , Indifferent is the key word here. I am not going out of my way for anyone now. I'm not being cold but I get nothing in return . I'm pretty much sick of 'always being there' and I can't do this anymore . The Convienence approach belted out by a few of you does not deserve my attention and so it shall be . You want something ? Make it mutual.

And Finally , I'm sick of the system. The way things are supposed to be done , the process , the lines of communication , the command chain , the attitude of the boss , the location of the office , the policies of the organization , the procedures in relation to work. What you study and where from and where do you work and how you should do your work . Why are there so many fucking standards ? Why do we *have* to follow golden rule and why do we need commands ? Why can't someone think for their own selves and reach decisions. Why can't they choose to do what they want to do and why do we stereotype everything ? Why do we need classifications for every darn thing ?

Why hire people for who/what they are , when you want to mould them into something that they are not ? Why do we narrow down thinking to a straight line and don't want to expand our minds ? Why are we stuck in an era where noone looks beyond these standards and set stereotypes as their ultimate goal. Why do we *need* to love , something we don't.

Why can't we be ourselves ? Why can't we think for ourselves ? Why do we need to limit our thoughts to a few options ? Why do we need to crib and cry for the rest of our lives about something we should/could have done , Why is it too late ? Why is it never the right time ? Why do we need chain ourselves to society and its fucked up ethos which don't really make sense ? .. I can't understand the world , What I do understand though is my own mind . So I think I'd go for something that I can relate to , My own self.